Just
let me start out by saying that I'm going to blame this on Teej. It's not really her fault, but I'm going to
blame her anyway. Mostly cause it's
just too scary to think that I came up with this all by myself.
Thanks
to TAE, the Beta Monster, for betaing this madness. It takes talent to be able to laugh and breathe and fix all at
the same time. Thanks also to my test
audience. You know who you are. :-P
Apologies
to Iris, any other English teachers, and William S. himself. This is the closest that my room full of
monkeys have gotten to Shakespeare so far.
Warning:
For your protection, please refrain from eating or drinking while reading this
fic.
It
may also be beneficial to have someone nearby to do CPR and say "This
can't be happening."
Disclaimer:
I don't own any of them. Any and all
characters related to The Sentinel TV show belong to Pet Fly or whoever they
sold the rights to. Richard Burgi
belongs Richard Burgi. Garret Maggart
belongs to Garret Maggart. The Muppets
belong to Jim Henson and his family.
The song "I can call you Al" belongs to Paul Simon. The bits of Shakespeare don't belong to me
either.
Any
and all feedback very welcome. QLHT@aol.com
The Muppets Take Cascade
Lila
R. Kulp
The
theater was almost full when Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg entered. This was their first opportunity to relax
all week and they were looking forward to it.
All week they had been running non- stop. They couldn't even go to the corner for the paper without getting
caught up in some police chase, crime scene, or investigation. And of course each incident generated it's
own mountain of paperwork, which saw to it that they didn't leave the station
until late each night. Both men were amazed that they had made it from the Loft
to the theater in time for the show and without incident.
"Looks
like we made it just in time, Chief," Jim stated as they moved down the
crowded aisle to their seats.
"Yeah,
this must be a good show if the place is this packed. Where are our seats anyway?" Blair followed his friend closely so as not to lose him in the crowd
while everyone found their seats.
"Right
here. We're right up front. Who gave you these tickets again?"
Jim
was just sitting down when a young boy, who actually looked a lot like a large
gopher, came up to them.
"There
you are! Kermit has been going nuts
wondering where you two are." The
young gopher was very exited and bouncing with even more energy than
Blair. Before either Jim or Blair could
question what the gopher was talking about, he grabbed Jim by the arm and began
pulling him toward the stage.
"Come on Mr. Burgi, we've got to get you ready for your first
skit."
Just
as Jim, Blair, and the gopher disappeared backstage, a frog? came out and
announced, "Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the Muppet
Show!"
*****
The
curtain came down on the dancers and cast members from the opening overture as
Kermit the Frog came back on stage. He
waited for the applause to die down before he started. "Thank you, thank you. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and
welcome to the Muppet Show. We have a
great show planned for you tonight with our very special guest stars Richard
Burgi and Garret Maggart. Yaaay!"
The frog punctuated his statement by waving his arms in the air. When the applause had died down again he
continued, "But first, sit back and relax as the Swedish Chef wakes you
all up with his gourmet coffee.
Yay!" Arms waving again
Kermit exited the stage just as the curtain was raised to reveal a kitchen.
The
scene that Kermit found backstage was not one that any stage manager wanted to
see. The guest stars were arguing with
the gopher.
The
gopher, whose name turned out to be Scooter, turned to his boss, "hey
boss, I found them, but..."
Jim
turned away from the stagehand, once he realized that the person in charge had
arrived. He tried his best to remain
calm as he began to explain, "Look there's been some kind of
mix-up." But he never got a chance
to finish, because he and Blair were being herded up a set of stairs by a large
green frog.
"I
know, but that's not important now.
You," Kermit said, pointing to the large detective, "have got
to get ready for your first act. You're
on right after Gonzo and his acrobatic chickens."
Jim
and Blair were then ushered through a door with a star on it.
Blair
who had remained quiet, letting Jim try to handle the situation, asked,
"um, just what is his first act?"
The
frog and gopher looked at each other, then back at the guest stars,
"Hamlet's soliloquy, what else."
With that the door closed, leaving Jim and Blair to ponder what had
happened to their relaxing evening.
*****
The
two friends turned around, surveying their dressing room. It looked like a large storage closet with a
dresser and mirror. There were strange
props of all shapes, sizes, and unknown uses.
This obviously was not a high budget production if this was the guest
star's dressing room.
"Um,
Jim? What just happened?"
The
detective was obviously still stunned, because it was several moments before he
turned to face the only other occupant of the room. The stress and strain of the past week had finally caught up with
Jim and this was the last straw.
"You! This is all your
fault," he almost shouted while pointing a finger at the shorter man.
"Me?" Blair squeaked out, then continued with as
much emotion as his friend. "How
is this my fault?"
"I
don't know, but this sure isn't my fault!"
There
was a slight pause as the two tried to stare the other down. At the same moment their eyes grew wide and
they exclaimed in unison, "Simon!
This is Simon's fault!"
Just
then, there was a knock on the door and they heard the gopher say, "two
minutes, Mr. Burgi. Two minutes."
The
Sentinel turned to his Guide, a look of panic on his face. "Chief, what am I going to do? I don't know Hamlet's soliloquy."
The
Guide's mind immediately went into overdrive and he began to look around the
room. "Okay, let me
think." He suddenly spied a copy
of Hamlet on the dresser and quickly crossed the room and picked it up. "Okay, while you're out on stage, turn
up your hearing so you can hear me.
I'll read the lines out loud and you just repeat after me."
"Sandburg,
are you nuts? I can't go out on
stage!"
"Sure
you can. Just pretend that you're
testifying or trying to negotiate a hostage situation. Yeah, that's it." Blair started to bounce as the idea
solidified in his head. "After all
Hamlet is contemplating suicide, so that's sort of like a hostage
situation."
******
Jim
waited nervously behind the curtain as he waited for the frog (He was still
having a hard time grasping the fact that the show was being run by a frog.) to
announce him. He really hoped that
nobody he knew was in the audience because he would never be able to live this
down. Here he was, Detective James J.
Ellison, Sentinel of the Great City, ex-army ranger, about to perform Hamlet in
tights, puffy pantaloon britches, the goofiest looking shirt he'd ever seen and
an Elizabethan collar. Jim couldn't
help thinking that Simon would choke on his cigar at the sight.
The
curtain finally began to rise and as the applause died down, he waited for
Blair to start feeding him his lines.
Fortunately
he didn't have to wait very long.
"Okay Jim, remember to put some feeling into it. To be, or not to be? That is the question."
Jim
began to repeat Blair's words; glad that the young man was such a ham and that
he was reading the speech with feeling and inflections. Jim could just imagine Blair strutting
around their dressing room, arms waving as if he was the one on stage.
Jim
was just beginning to think that they might be able to pull this off when chaos
reared its head.
"Whether
'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of..." Jim did a double take and ducked as arrows
began flying out of the wings.
"...outrageous
fortune," he was doing his best to dodge the arrow and continue the show
when archers began to take up position on either side of the stage and fire
upon each other.
"...or
to take arms against a sea of troubles..." as if the arrows and archers
weren't bad enough, a large school of fish swam on stage.
"...and
by opposing, end them?" Jim
grabbed the nearest fish and strode towards the nearest archer. "To die: to sleep; no more; and by
sleep to say we end..." He swung the fish and began beating the nearest
archer with it.
"...the
heart-ache and the thousand..." he grabbed another fish and began to
coordinate his words with his swings of the fish. "... natural... shocks... that... flesh... is... heir...
to... 'tis... a... consummation..."
With one last swing, the Sentinel put down the last archer on that side
of the stage and grabbing a fresh fish, moved to dispatch the second set on the
opposite side of the stage.
"...devoutly
to be wish'd. To die, to
sleep;" As Jim crossed the stage
his hearing picked up comments coming from one of the luxury boxes. There were two old men sitting there.
The
first turned to the second and said, "Hey, he's not half bad."
"Yeah,
but he's not half good either," the second replied to his companion.
Jim
began to knock the second set of archers senseless as the two old men laughed
at their joke. "...to sleep:
perchance to dream what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal
coil..." The last archer fell to
the stage and Jim looked up in time to see a herd of springs? with tufts of fur
on each end go bouncing by.
"...must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of
so long life; for who would bear the..."
"Did
someone call for a bear?" Jim
paused briefly as Fozzie Bear came on stage.
Jim
let a growl creep into his voice, "...whips and scorns of time, the
oppressor's wrong..." He glared at
the bear until he left the stage.
"...the
proud man's contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the
insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of..." Jim was on a roll. This was the longest he'd gone without an interruption. Maybe things were settling down.
Or
maybe not.
Rowlf
the Dog and Janice, dressed in green surgical scrubs, came on stage pushing a
gurney.
"...of
the unworthy takes..." Jim
couldn't believe it. As he was trying
to keep up with Blair's recitation, the imitation medics wandered about the
stage, which was still cluttered with, dead fish, unconscious archers, and
arrows.
"Keep
looking nurse. We've got to find a
patient before the next skit."
"...when
he himself might his quietus make..."
"Like,
couldn't we just use one of them," Janice asked pointing to the archers.
"...
with a bare bodkin?"
"Nah,
there's something fishy about them."
The audience simply groaned as Rowlf and Janice exited the stage.
"...who
would fardels bear..."
Fozzie
Bear strutted across the stage vaudeville style, "wacka, wacka,
wacka."
"...to
grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after
death, the undiscover'd country..."
Jim tossed up his hands in defeat as two pigs, dressed in costumes that
may have been futuristic in the 70's, came on stage.
"I'm
telling you, Dr. Strangepork, I left it right here." Link Hogthrob gestured to the stage in
general.
"...from
whose bourn no traveler returns..." Jim pinched the bridge of his nose
while shaking his head, hoping that this would just end soon.
"Well
it's not here now. Maybe you left it
somewhere else," Dr. Strangepork answered Hogthrob and followed him off
stage.
"...puzzles
the will and makes us rather bear..."
Fozzie Bear went running back across the stage.
"...those
ills we have..." Fozzie was
closely followed by the two fake medics.
Jim thought that he must be getting used to the interruptions, because
he didn't miss a beat.
"...then
fly to others that we know not of? Thus
conscience does make cowards of us all..." He kept waiting for the next interruption.
"...and
thus the native here of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of
thought. And enterprise..." Jim smiled and nodded his head as the
interruption came. Dr. Strangepork and
Link Hogthrob came back out onto the stage.
"I
still don't see how you could lose a whole set," the doctor chastised.
"...of
great pith and movement..."
"Well,
if someone wouldn't keep moving it," whined Link as they once again left
the stage.
"...with
this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action." With a flourish, Jim grabbed the last fish
left swimming, used it to knock out an archer who chose that moment to stir,
and took a bow.
******
Jim
had a goofy grin on his face as he walked backstage. He actually felt better.
Who knew that Muppets could be such great stress relievers?
"Yoohoo,
oh Mr. Burgi?" Jim flinched as a
high pitched voice assaulted his sensitive ears. He turned towards the voice and took an involuntary step
back. A pig in an evening dress was
headed his way.
"Oh,
ah hahaha, Mr. Burgi, or may I call you Richard? How about RB? Please just
let me say that it is a thrill to have um," she looked him up and down
with a look that made Jim shiver, "man of your stature on our show."
Jim
took another step back and raised his hands defensively. "Um, thanks," he looked around
wildly for an escape route.
Miss
Piggy took several steps forward, moving into the detective's personal
space. "I would be honored if you
would do a scene with Moi. Ah ha,
possibly the tattoo scene from Veronica's Closet."
Jim's
eyes grew wide in terror. He had no
idea what the tattoo scene was. But he really didn't want to find out. Before he could think of a response, he was
saved by the frog.
"Piggy!"
Miss
Piggy jumped at the sound of Kermit's voice.
Jim had never been so glad to see a giant green frog in his life.
"Piggy,
Link and Dr. Strangepork lost the Swine Trek set again. You need to help them find it," Kermit
said as Jim took advantage of the distraction to slip around the pig and up the
stairs.
"Oh,
those nitwits," Piggy exclaimed and stormed off.
Jim
just shook his head and waded through the flock of chickens surrounding his and
Blair's dressing room door.
******
Jim
quickly slipped into the room and leaned against the door. He sighed as he slid down to sit on the
floor, still in his Hamlet costume.
"Phew, I will never look at pork the same way. She was eyeing me like I was a piece of
meat."
Blair
couldn't help but smile at the look on his friend's face, but he quickly hid it
and added a touch of annoyance to his voice.
"What are you complaining about?
I'm the one being chased by Gonzo's chickens!"
Jim
looked up at his friend and chuckled, "yeah, I noticed your fan club out
there." Then a questioning look
crossed his face. "Sandburg, why
are you wearing a hospital gown?"
Blair
held his arms out and turned around.
"You like it? I'm the
patient for tonight's Veterinarian's Hospital."
This
cause Jim to laugh even harder, "now there's a role you know well."
Blair
just grabbed the nearest object, a feathered boa, and tossed it at his friend,
causing a fit of laughter from them both.
******
Nurse
Piggy and Nurse Janice rushed on stage pushing a gurney. The gurney was set up so that the patient,
Blair, could sit in a reclining position.
"Doctor,
quick we finally found a vic… um patient," hollered Nurse Piggy as she
brought the gurney to a sudden halt.
Blair had to grab onto the sides to keep from falling off.
Rowlf,
dressed as Dr. Bob, took a good look at his new patient. "He can't be our patient," Rowlf exclaimed. "He's human. This is
Veterinarian's Hospital. We treat
animals here."
"Yes,
but doctor," Nurse Janice started to explain, her head bobbing from side
to side with each syllable. "He
thinks he's like, a werewolf."
Dr.
Rowlf’s eyes grew wide and he began looking wildly around. "A wolf! Where? Aagh, quick hide me," he exclaimed and hid under the
gurney.
The
nurses and patient all just rolled their eyes.
Piggy bent down to address the shaking form of the doctor. "No silly, the patient," she
carefully enunciated each word for the cowering doctor, "thinks he's a
werewolf."
Rowlf,
stopped shaking and took his hands away from his eyes. "Thinks he's a werewolf?"
Blair
leaned over to look at Rowlf, "yep."
Dr.
Rowlf yelped in surprise and scrambled out from under the gurney. "Okay then, well what are his
symptoms," he asked, more professional now.
Nurse
Janice's head started bobbing again.
"He's been wolfing down his food."
Janice
and Rowlf laughed hysterically at the pun while Piggy and Blair groaned and
rolled their eyes.
Still
rolling her eyes Piggy mumbled, "a couple of days of hospital food will
cure that."
The
others gave Piggy a quizzical look and Rowlf asked, "Why's that?"
Nurse Janice replied, complete with head bob, "like, because hospital food is for the dogs."
After
waiting for the groans from the audience to die down, the clueless doctor asked
the next logical question.
"Really? What kind of
dogs?"
Blair
couldn't help himself. He answered
before either nurse could speak.
"The kind that would jump a table leg."
This
elicited a roar of laughter from the audience.
In the wings, Jim had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from
laughing out loud. The jokes were bad,
but Blair was obviously enjoying himself.
After
the laughter finally died down, Dr. Rowlf commented, "before I make my
diagnosis, I need to see the," he inserted a dramatic pause, "lab
results and his CAT scan."
Another
round of groans from the audience and rolled eyes from Piggy and Blair, while
Rowlf and Janice laughed.
Just
as the theater began to quiet down again, Gonzo's chickens rushed on stage and
mobbed the patient. Blair suddenly
found himself trying to keep from getting pecked and grabbed while looking for
an escape route.
As
chaos descended upon the stage, the announcer decided to take pity on the
audience and end the skit. "And so
ends, another episode of Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next time when we'll hear Dr. Bob say…"
The
stage was suddenly quiet as Rowlf said, "actually it looks more like a bad
case of chicken pox to me."
The
curtain thankfully came down as once again chaos ensued.
******
The
first one off stage was Sandburg. He
rushed up to his friend with a pleading look in his eyes. "Jim, you've got to help me, man. These chickens are vicious. Help me out here."
The
older man just shook his head and smiled.
"Huh uh, you're on your own for this one, Chief."
Blair's
eyes grew wide as the chickens began making their way backstage and rushed
towards him. Jim just laughed again, as
his friend turned and ran for the stairs.
His own eyes grew wide with fear as he heard Miss Piggy's voice. He suddenly wished he had taken the time to
change out of his tights and fluffy collar before coming down to watch Blair's
skit.
"Oh
RB, how sweet of you to come watch me perform."
She
didn't get a chance to say anything more before Jim had dodged her pinching
fingers and was making his own way up the stairs, calling out to his
partner," on second thought Sandburg, wait for me."
******
Both
men sat on the floor, leaning against the door to their dressing room. Blair was pulling chicken feathers out of
his hair and Jim was trying to get the sound of Miss Piggy's voice out of his
ears.
"Tell
me again how we got into this, Chief?"
Blair
paused in his contemplation of a recently removed feather. "I thought we decided that this was
Simon's fault."
"Oh
yeah, right. Simon's fault. But that still doesn't explain why we're in
the show instead of watching it," Jim said, looking at his partner for an
answer.
Blair
just shrugged his shoulders and replied, "karma?"
Jim
just rolled his eyes and stood up. As
he did so, something caught his attention.
"Hey was this here before?" he asked holding up the object in
question.
Blair
decided that he had all the feathers out of his hair and moved to stand next to
his friend. "Um, I don't think
so. Who would send us a fruit
basket?"
"Not
us, silly. They think we're some guys
named Richard Burgi and Garret Maggart, whoever they are."
"Oh
yeah, right. Hey there's a
card." Blair snatched the card off
the basket and read it as Jim started looking through the contents.
"We're glad to see you guys together
again. Hopefully our favorite buddy cop
show will once again grace the airways.
Sincerely the CT Gang"
Jim
paused in his scrutiny of the basket, "the CT Gang? Who are they?"
Blair
just shrugged. "I don't know,
probably a fan club or something."
He chuckled as he continued, "Sounds like the Apple Dumpling
Gang."
Jim
laughed at that image as he pulled an apple out of the basket, which thankfully
didn't include any pineapple of any kind.
"Yeah they're probably a bunch of loonies who sit around talking
about the shows these guys have been on, and drool over their
pictures." He laughed again as he
took a bite of his apple.
Instead
of laughing with his friend, Blair had a thoughtful expression on his
face. "Um Jim, if we've been
mistaken for these guys. Then we must
look like them. And if those loonies you
mentioned drool over pictures of these guys that we look like, then doesn't
that mean that they're basically drooling over pictures of us?"
The
room went deadly quiet as the repercussions of what Blair was saying dawned on
the two men. They could only stare
wide-eyed at each other as visions of pigs and chickens came to mind.
After
a few tense moments, the silence was finally broken by as knock on the door and
Scooter's voice saying, "two minutes, Mr. Burgi, Mr. Maggart. Two minutes."
******
Two
minutes later Jim and Blair, having changed into their normal clothes, found
themselves waiting backstage as Kermit introduced them. Jim was finally beginning to get used to the
idea of a giant frog running the show.
Now all he had to do was get used to the pigs, chickens, dog, bear, and
other undeterminable creatures
Blair
turned and looked up at his friend.
“Jim, I was jus thinking that there’s an old saying that applies here.
"You
mean the one that goes, if you can't beat them…"Jim started.
"Join
them," they both finished in unison.
It
was then that they heard the audience applaud and Kermit's distinctive
'Yay!'. That was their cue to join the
Electric Mayhem on stage for the final act.
******
The
stage was bare, except for the Electric Mayhem and their instruments.
As
the two guest stars entered the stage, Dr. Teeth began the song's intro. "Hope you boys can keep up. Animal likes to speed up the tempo."
Blair
glanced up at the furry drummer, noting the crazed look in his eyes, then
turned to the audience and began to sing.
"A
man walks down the street. He says why
am I soft in the middle, now?"
Blair reached over and patted Jim's middle as the bigger man began to
keep time with a set of maracas.
Jim
just glared, as his friend continued, "Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard. I need a photo-opportunity."
Jim,
having experienced the Muppets earlier, knew what to expect, so was ready why
the stage was suddenly crowded with photographers and blinding flashes.
Blair
staggered a bit as he was suddenly blinded, but kept singing. "I want a shot at redemption. Don't want to end up a cartoon, in a cartoon
graveyard."
Jim
couldn't keep himself from laughing out loud, "Now there's a scary
image. You as a Saturday morning
cartoon."
Blair
shot his friend a glare of his own as he sang, "Bone digger, bone
digger." Then did a double take as
Sweetums started ambling across the stage carrying a shovel and a bag full of
bones.
"Dogs
in the moonlight." Halfway across, Sweetums looked behind him and took of
running as a pack of dogs chased after him.
"Far
away my well-lit door." Blair just shook his head as Sweetums and the dogs
ran back across the stage.
"Mr.
Beerbelly, Beerbelly."
Jim
reached over and patted Blair in the stomach with a maraca. "Now who's soft in the middle?"
Blair
just expertly ignored his friend, "Get these mutts away from me."
"Hey
Chief, I think I saw your wulf leading that pack of dogs," Jim snickered.
"You
know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore," Blair finished the verse
with a huge smile on his face and started the chorus.
"If
you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal." Blair sang, looking
at Jim.
"Why
not? I'm already your Blessed
Protector," Jim mumbled to himself.
"I
can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call me Al." As
Blair finished the chorus, Janice flipped her blond hair over her shoulder and
played a brief guitar solo. "Like
really."
Now
it was Jim's turn to sing. "A man
walks down the street. He says why am I
short of attention? Got a short little
span of attention."
Blair
had picked up a tambourine and was tapping out a complicated rhythm, "Yeah
the attention span of a gerbil."
Two could play at this game.
"And,
whoa, my nights are so long," Jim sang, trying to ignore his friend.
"All
those stakeouts, "Blair commented, then ducked the answering swat.
"Where's
my wife and family? What if I die here?" The detective looked over at his
partner, expecting a smart-alec remark, but none came. Blair had a slightly haunted look in his
eyes as he keep banging on his tambourine.
"Who'll
be my role model?"
Just
thin Link Hogthrob came on stage, still looking for the Pigs In Space set. "Has anybody seen my space ship?"
Jim
just shook his head and ignored the pig.
"Now that my role model is gone, gone. He ducked back down the alley, with some roly-poly bat-faced
girl."
"Hey! Was that a comment on my luck with
girlfriends," Blair asked indignantly.
Jim
just smiled mischievously and kept on singing, "All along, along, there
were incidents and accidents."
"Now
that is definitely in reference to your driving," Blair said, getting in
one last comment.
"There
were hints and allegations." Jim finished his verse and once again picked
up his maracas.
He
and Blair then started doing a little dance step as Blair sang the chorus
again. "If you'll be my bodyguard,
I can be your long lost pal. I can call
you Betty."
Without
breaking step Jim asked, "What's the deal with the name Betty
anyway?"
"And
Betty when you call me, you can call me Al."
As
Blair sang the last line, Animal suddenly lost control. "Betty! Betty! Betty!"
The
rest of the band quickly took steps to prevent a full Animal Breakout. There were various commands of "Animal,
sit!" and "Like, relax man."
Dr.
Teeth finally quieted the drummer with his command for Animal to play a drum
solo.
During
Animal's improvised solo, Jim and Blair tried to add to their little dance
routine. They tried to add a spin here,
or a double step there, but since neither of them was a performer of had
rehearsed, the effect wasn't quite what they had wanted. They ended up colliding with each other more
then not.
Animal
finally began to tire and Blair began the final verse.
"A
man walks down the street. It's a
street in a strange world."
Jim
had given up on the dancing thing.
"Sort of like this place, huh."
"Maybe
it's the third world," Blair sang, nodding his agreement. "Maybe it's his first time around. Doesn't speak the language. He holds no currency."
"Maybe
he's a poor college student, Chief."
"He
is a foreign man."
"Now
he sounds like the Swedish Chef."
"He
is surrounded by the sound, sound, cattle in the marketplace."
Just
then a small herd of mooing cows came on stage. In the middle of the herd was the Swedish Chef. He was looking at each cow, trying to find
one for his next culinary attempt.
"Vern de hunda ada moomoo."
Blair
was doing his best to keep up with Animal's new tempo, "Scatterlings and
orphanages."
As
if trying to stay out of the way of a herd of cows and one foreign chef wasn't
difficult enough, a horde of kids joined the crowded stage and added their
chattering to the mooing, music, and singing.
"He
looks around, around. He sees angels in
the architecture," Blair sang, stepping around a wandering cow.
"Are
you sure they weren't bats in the belfry," Jim asked as he used a maraca
to persuade a cow to move, and then had to duck as he was dive bombed by bats.
Blair
had to fight back laughter as he watched Jim swat at the bats, the maracas
sounding out a unique rhythm that had nothing to do with the song.
"Spinning
in infinity. He says Amen! And
Hallelujah!"
Up
in the luxury box, Statler turned to Waldorf and said. "Does that mean it's almost over?"
"I
sure hope so," Waldorf replied.
"Amen! Hallelujah!" they both shouted in
unison.
"If
you'll be my bodyguard," Blair began the chorus one last time and was soon
joined by everyone else on stage.
"I
can be your long lost pal. I can call
you Betty. And Betty, when you call
me. You can call me Al. Call me Al."
The
cows and kids formed a chorus line and began doing step kicks. Jim and Blair even attempted a few kicks.
"If
you'll be my bodyguard…" The chorus line did a step, kick. Jim and Blair did a kick, step.
"I
can call you Betty…" Blair kicked with the wrong leg and tripped up the
nearest cow, causing the whole line to go down like dominos.
Kermit
chose this moment to come on stage and put an end to the chaos. "That ends our show for tonight.
"If
you'll be my bodyguard…" some of the kids kept singing, not realizing that
the song was over.
Kermit
expertly ignored the mayhem behind him as he was joined by the main cast and
guest stars. "Thank you for
watching and let's give a very special thank you to our very special guest
stars Richard Burgi and Garret Maggart! Yay!"
As
the closing overture began to play, Jim grabbed Miss Piggy and waltzed her
around a few steps, ending in a dip.
Blair began explaining to Gonzo's chickens how in ancient Greece,
chickens were revered for their fortune telling abilities, carefully leaving
out some of the more morbid details.
Kermit quietly celebrated another show ending without a major
catastrophe.
******
"You
know Kermit, I really enjoyed the show," Jim said as he, Blair and Kermit
made their way to the theater's back door.
"Yeah,
it was a lot of fun," Blair added as he pulled a few chicken feathers out
of his hair.
"Believe
it or not, that was one of our better shows," Kermit said as he let his
guests out the back door. "Any
show where something doesn’t explode is a good show."
Kermit
watched as the two friends made their way to Jim's blue and white truck and
drove off. He closed the door and
turned to find his recently departed guest stars approaching him. "Mr. Burgi? Mr Maggart? Is there a
problem?"
The
shorter spoke first, "Kermit, we
are soooo sorry about tonight."
"You
wouldn't believe what we went through to get here," the taller man
continued, a shell-shocked expression on his face.
Kermit
just listened, eyes and mouth wide, as Richard and Garret told him about the
car chases and police investigations that had prevented them from making it to
the theater.
Finis?;-)